I believe that I am an intelligent woman. But when it comes to my heart I can fail it every time...
He steals parts of my thoughts, no not steals, he commandeers himself into my thoughts making sure he is front and centre. I have moved away. He moved first and still he had a part of me. I have started again. And still he makes sure I think of him and then...I recognise what he is doing and all that he has done. And I can only describe what he is to me as an addiction. Crazy that I can be addicted to a man, not more then a boy ( as he is 4 years my junior ) That he can be so clever that I didn't even recognise what he was doing to me until he had my heart. Yet I don't even think there is love there any more. Not that we never loved one another, we have, although I don't think it was ever at the same time... We have had some beautiful moments. But there in lies the problem. They were moments, and the minutes and the hours and the days were what hurt. What changed me. Someone else changed me, and worse I let them....
I remember falling in love with him. I remember standing with each other and just holding one another for hours, he made the world disappear... ( His hugs still make the world better again. ) I remember spending time together every afternoon, the road trips, how I fit into the crook of his arm, movies, nights, waking up in arms, stolen days... I remember how he could make me laugh and cry...
The crying was what in the end I couldn't do any more. I don't think he is the entire reason I moved, but he is a great percentage of it. We had a lot of memories there. And most were awful. I remember the day I saw him walking down the road with someone else, and how I had to be literally picked up because I was broken, the night we were out and someone else was kissing him, the afternoon he was in our park with another girl, the day he through me out, the reason why, the night of the fight, the pub someone else told me he cheated, and all the lies he told me, all the manipulation of my words he twisted to make me feel I was wrong, that I had done something to him, all of this when we were supposedly together! I risked every friendship I had for him, over and over again. All of that is on every corner on every road... So yes it is good to walk away from everything. But it's not as easy as just leaving it behind.
Why isn't it, you ask, and I ask myself. He has deserved none of my forgiveness. He has caused such unspeakable heartache. He was a bastard. Manipulative. Cunning. And simply mean. And yet despite it all when I hear from him my heart flutters, he is the reason that I fail so miserably at other relationships. That, and I swear he knows somehow, the exact moment I begin enjoying spending time with someone new. So the calls start, and the texts, and the I miss yous, and a hint of the man I did love... And in there he finds a way back into my life. The way is that I let him... And how I wish I could stop it. That I had the sense, the strength, the courage, and yes use that intelligence that I have in every other avenue of my life to just end it! Indefinitely.
I guess that it really is only just going to take more time... The time that they say heals all wounds and hearts. And mine just isn't healed yet. But I keep thinking that it must be getting close, because is takes less and less time to recover from his continued disappointment. And it has been so long since I did see him. And more then that I'm living a life that doesn't include him, there is not in a single place here that holds a single memory with him. Here it's all about me, a new life, and my future. I'm on my own and creating a place for me.
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