So about that intelligence that I claim to have except when it comes to men who have been a part of my life, and I'm getting rind of the memories by opening up, albeit anonymously. I have mentioned some of my feelings about...
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What do I call him?
If I'm anonymous it's only fair that the people a talk about are too. Hmmm... I can't call him what my friends do that would be cruel! 
So, I'll refer to him as Mag. ( And I'll keep the reason to myself too, it would be too obvious! )
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Ok, so Mag is now understood, and the person I'm thinking about today I will call Angel. It is appropriate in many ways, and too good for him in others, but I will always think of him when I hear the word.
So Angel has been a friend for a quite awhile. I met him when I was still married ( a tale for another time.. ) and he was too. When we became friends it was like we had always known one another, I loved him for who he was almost instantly. Not in a romantic way at all. Not back then. He was my protector. The one person in my life who accepted me faults and all, and still loved me. And over the years that was tried many times, and he never failed to stand by me. And was a wonderful friend through my divorce. He always knew what I needed to hear. He always did.
And Angel knew Mag from the begining. And although it was always obvious he didn't think Mag was a good choice for me, he never spoke ill of him to me. He just picked up the pieces quite a bit.
And then he moved away with his family, and I missed him so much. I remember the night before he left. It was such a good night with all of our friends, even though I kept stepping out so not to have anyone see me cry, and yet Angel knew and his first thoughts were of me. He took me aside, along with one of both of our very good friends, and told... ( We'll call him Urban, goodness a lot of people are being introduced! ) Urban that he needed to look out for me, that I was very special and needed someone who I could depend on. It was silly and so touching. I've never forgot it. And the day Angel left. I cried the whole day and practically every day for a month.
We talked off and on over the years. When one or the other was in need of someone just to listen and understand. And accept... I rang him the morning Mag through me out. I was sat in the car. Not knowing what I was going to do next and the only person in the world I knew would be there was Angel. And he was. Strong as ever with as many kind words and sincerity and help. He has always been my rock...
And then again time went by, our lives went on, through ups and downs. We talked again from time to time. Out of the blue messages of love and concern... His marriage broke down. Our friend Urban hurt him deeply. And then I planned a visit. It had been over a year since we had seen one another and we decided it was long over due..
So I came. We talked for hours and hours night after night over glasses of wine. Catching up, sharing our lives, learning things about one another we'd never had the time to... We spent days chatting and going on little excursions, being silly tourists, holding hands for the first time. Having long silences that felt good, catching one another watching the other one. Almost as if in disbelief. This must not be happening.. Why hadn't we seen it before.. It isn't happening it's just...
We couldn't answer that. It was like everything in life was brand new again. At night we would hold one another. And sleep better then either of us had in years. I was truely happy for the first time in such a long time. Mag even rang ( as he always does ) and I didn't care. I saw his name appear on my call list and all I thought of was he never made me feel this happy, safe, strong, accepted, loved. And I didn't even want to answer.
That was empowering. Then as the nights went on Angel begin to pull me closer. And one night he kissed me. Ever so sweetly and yet with desire that we'd both been trying to figure out for days what to do about. He made me feel like I was seventeen again. I had the shakes and I swear it was like having a first kiss ever. It was so special. But I stopped it. I couldn't.
My head was swimming. Angel was the one constant in my life. The one person I could depend on, who I knew loved me for me. This was too risky. I could lose everything. And Angel sweetly accepted my worries. He just kissed me on my head and pulled me close in a protective hug and held me till I fell asleep. The next day. We were the same. And more.
I thought a lot over the next few days. And every night we still held one another and shared kisses.. He was slowly making me feel that it wasn't how could I, but how could I not what if I was not risking the best thing that could ever happen to me... And it was amazing. Perfect sweet loving magical.
And over the months I became so very much in love with him. More then the way we were, much more, and so special. I thought that he was feeling the same. But it seemed that it was creating the opposite feeling with him... Only I didn't see it until the day he text me and said it was better if we were just friends.
God those words. I had never heard them outside of the movies and girl talk. I hadn't ever heard them spoke in real context. And I hurt so much, and was so angry at myself. Although the time we shared was so heavenly perfect, it did indeed risk something I had indefinitely. His friendship.
So we tried being friends, and it was good. A bit painful at times but nice to still have him in my life. In fact little changed. We still were exactly the same but no longer had sex. Probably not good for me. Men can do things like that and not be effected. But as it happens we floated back to one another. For a brief time again. We had a lovely little life happening. It made me smile all day every day. Because I knew I'd see him, and we'd talk and share dreams and worries, past and present and future.
And then...
Another text. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't fair, but I don't have the strength to care if this is effecting you or not. I need some time to sort some things out. And when I'm better, you will be the first person I contact" That was 3 months ago...
I think it's why I've let Mag back into my life. Now think is a stupid idea. I know it's the reason he's back in my life. I haven't seen him but at least he'll contact me....
x
