If I'm anonymous it's only fair that the people a talk about are too. Hmmm... I can't call him what my friends do that would be cruel! So, I'll refer to him as Mag. ( And I'll keep the reason to myself too, it would be too obvious! )
* * *

Ok, so Mag is now understood, and the person I'm thinking about today I will call Angel. It is appropriate in many ways, and too good for him in others, but I will always think of him when I hear the word.

So Angel has been a friend for a quite awhile. I met him when I was still married ( a tale for another time.. ) and he was too. When we became friends it was like we had always known one another, I loved him for who he was almost instantly. Not in a romantic way at all. Not back then. He was my protector. The one person in my life who accepted me faults and all, and still loved me. And over the years that was tried many times, and he never failed to stand by me. And was a wonderful friend through my divorce. He always knew what I needed to hear. He always did.

And Angel knew Mag from the begining. And although it was always obvious he didn't think Mag was a good choice for me, he never spoke ill of him to me. He just picked up the pieces quite a bit.

And then he moved away with his family, and I missed him so much. I remember the night before he left. It was such a good night with all of our friends, even though I kept stepping out so not to have anyone see me cry, and yet Angel knew and his first thoughts were of me. He took me aside, along with one of both of our very good friends, and told... ( We'll call him Urban, goodness a lot of people are being introduced! ) Urban that he needed to look out for me, that I was very special and needed someone who I could depend on. It was silly and so touching. I've never forgot it. And the day Angel left. I cried the whole day and practically every day for a month.

We talked off and on over the years. When one or the other was in need of someone just to listen and understand. And accept... I rang him the morning Mag through me out. I was sat in the car. Not knowing what I was going to do next and the only person in the world I knew would be there was Angel. And he was. Strong as ever with as many kind words and sincerity and help. He has always been my rock...

And then again time went by, our lives went on, through ups and downs. We talked again from time to time. Out of the blue messages of love and concern... His marriage broke down. Our friend Urban hurt him deeply. And then I planned a visit. It had been over a year since we had seen one another and we decided it was long over due..

So I came. We talked for hours and hours night after night over glasses of wine. Catching up, sharing our lives, learning things about one another we'd never had the time to... We spent days chatting and going on little excursions, being silly tourists, holding hands for the first time. Having long silences that felt good, catching one another watching the other one. Almost as if in disbelief. This must not be happening.. Why hadn't we seen it before.. It isn't happening it's just...

We couldn't answer that. It was like everything in life was brand new again. At night we would hold one another. And sleep better then either of us had in years. I was truely happy for the first time in such a long time. Mag even rang ( as he always does ) and I didn't care. I saw his name appear on my call list and all I thought of was he never made me feel this happy, safe, strong, accepted, loved. And I didn't even want to answer.

That was empowering. Then as the nights went on Angel begin to pull me closer. And one night he kissed me. Ever so sweetly and yet with desire that we'd both been trying to figure out for days what to do about. He made me feel like I was seventeen again. I had the shakes and I swear it was like having a first kiss ever. It was so special. But I stopped it. I couldn't.

My head was swimming. Angel was the one constant in my life. The one person I could depend on, who I knew loved me for me. This was too risky. I could lose everything. And Angel sweetly accepted my worries. He just kissed me on my head and pulled me close in a protective hug and held me till I fell asleep. The next day. We were the same. And more.

I thought a lot over the next few days. And every night we still held one another and shared kisses.. He was slowly making me feel that it wasn't how could I, but how could I not what if I was not risking the best thing that could ever happen to me... And it was amazing. Perfect sweet loving magical.

And over the months I became so very much in love with him. More then the way we were, much more, and so special. I thought that he was feeling the same. But it seemed that it was creating the opposite feeling with him... Only I didn't see it until the day he text me and said it was better if we were just friends.

God those words. I had never heard them outside of the movies and girl talk. I hadn't ever heard them spoke in real context. And I hurt so much, and was so angry at myself. Although the time we shared was so heavenly perfect, it did indeed risk something I had indefinitely. His friendship.

So we tried being friends, and it was good. A bit painful at times but nice to still have him in my life. In fact little changed. We still were exactly the same but no longer had sex. Probably not good for me. Men can do things like that and not be effected. But as it happens we floated back to one another. For a brief time again. We had a lovely little life happening. It made me smile all day every day. Because I knew I'd see him, and we'd talk and share dreams and worries, past and present and future.

And then...

Another text. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't fair, but I don't have the strength to care if this is effecting you or not. I need some time to sort some things out. And when I'm better, you will be the first person I contact" That was 3 months ago...

I think it's why I've let Mag back into my life. Now think is a stupid idea. I know it's the reason he's back in my life. I haven't seen him but at least he'll contact me....

x

Comments

He steals parts of my thoughts, no not steals, he commandeers himself into my thoughts making sure he is front and centre. I have moved away. He moved first and still he had a part of me. I have started again. And still he makes sure I think of him and then...I recognise what he is doing and all that he has done. And I can only describe what he is to me as an addiction. Crazy that I can be addicted to a man, not more then a boy ( as he is 4 years my junior ) That he can be so clever that I didn't even recognise what he was doing to me until he had my heart. Yet I don't even think there is love there any more. Not that we never loved one another, we have, although I don't think it was ever at the same time... We have had some beautiful moments. But there in lies the problem. They were moments, and the minutes and the hours and the days were what hurt. What changed me. Someone else changed me, and worse I let them....

I remember falling in love with him. I remember standing with each other and just holding one another for hours, he made the world disappear... ( His hugs still make the world better again. ) I remember spending time together every afternoon, the road trips, how I fit into the crook of his arm, movies, nights, waking up in arms, stolen days... I remember how he could make me laugh and cry...

The crying was what in the end I couldn't do any more. I don't think he is the entire reason I moved, but he is a great percentage of it. We had a lot of memories there. And most were awful. I remember the day I saw him walking down the road with someone else, and how I had to be literally picked up because I was broken, the night we were out and someone else was kissing him, the afternoon he was in our park with another girl, the day he through me out, the reason why, the night of the fight, the pub someone else told me he cheated, and all the lies he told me, all the manipulation of my words he twisted to make me feel I was wrong, that I had done something to him, all of this when we were supposedly together! I risked every friendship I had for him, over and over again. All of that is on every corner on every road... So yes it is good to walk away from everything. But it's not as easy as just leaving it behind.

Why isn't it, you ask, and I ask myself. He has deserved none of my forgiveness. He has caused such unspeakable heartache. He was a bastard. Manipulative. Cunning. And simply mean. And yet despite it all when I hear from him my heart flutters, he is the reason that I fail so miserably at other relationships. That, and I swear he knows somehow, the exact moment I begin enjoying spending time with someone new. So the calls start, and the texts, and the I miss yous, and a hint of the man I did love... And in there he finds a way back into my life. The way is that I let him... And how I wish I could stop it. That I had the sense, the strength, the courage, and yes use that intelligence that I have in every other avenue of my life to just end it! Indefinitely.

I guess that it really is only just going to take more time... The time that they say heals all wounds and hearts. And mine just isn't healed yet. But I keep thinking that it must be getting close, because is takes less and less time to recover from his continued disappointment. And it has been so long since I did see him. And more then that I'm living a life that doesn't include him, there is not in a single place here that holds a single memory with him. Here it's all about me, a new life, and my future. I'm on my own and creating a place for me.

x

Comments

I haven't done anything heinous or unforgivable, just lived through my mistakes and heartache both received and given. And recently I decided that I needed to put all of the past where is belongs, behind me. So I packed up all of my belongings and moved, just me and the cat. lol For a new life. A start over.

Looking back on my decision, I don't know if I thought it would be easy or difficult to make this huge restart. But I have made the move to a place I find breath-taking and a little heaven on earth. I have gone it alone. I have had to meet all new people, a new job, and begin to start where I left off when I got off the path I thought I would be on before now.. I'm also going back to university.

A huge amount of things in such a short period of time. (I moved four months ago) And much has changed, as I knew it would, and a lot has remained the same, as I had hoped would not. But it's harder to leave some things, or rather some people behind, then I had thought it would be.

So what is this meant to be for me? And for you the reader? What am I writing for? What will I say, what won't I?

I suppose I think this will be a journal of my new beginnings and closure to what I have left behind... It's a living project so I guess I'll have to see what I write and you, will have to see where that leads.

x

Comments